A Letter of Complaint

As I blogged earlier, we have a superb balcony - but the seating leaves a bit to be desired. We asked for loungers but were told that the ones onboard did not meet the fire regulations for balcony furniture. It's not really been a problem. I worked out how to make a lounger from the comfy chair in the cabin, a towel, a cushion, two pillows and a length of balcony rail. I've made a drawing for the next occupant but it looks like an illustration from the advanced section of the Kama Sutra so I'll probably throw it away.

I've not got enough material for two loungers but as Janet's sunbathing tends to follow the - I've got my cossy and lotion on - I'll just sit down - God it's hot - I think I'll go inside - pattern, that's not really been a problem either. Nevertheless I intend to write a letter of complaint something along the lines of -

Dear Fred,
I am writing to complain about the chairs on your otherwise superb balcony to cabin 8010 on the Braemar.
I am aware that balconies serve many different functions. For example, they stop you falling a hundred feet to your death when you walk through the patio door. They give your wife somewhere to dry her underwear, although you have to be careful not to send the wrong signal to passing ships. Balcony rails are ideal for leaning nonchantly against when sailing in or out of ports. This is best enjoyed in full view of the inside cabin people as they fight for a foot of rail on the public decks. However, surely you must agree that, above all, balconies on cruise ships are for sitting privately and comfortably in the sun and watching the world bob by. Could you therefore please explain why you have chosen balcony furniture with the comfort characteristics of an Iron Maiden.
I am aware of the fire a few years ago on a cruise ship balcony that caused the Health & Safety Gestapo to salivate over yet more regulations. However, despite their best efforts, it is still not necessary to station a fireman, with his hose in his hand, next to every comfortable seat. You can now buy adjustable hardwood loungers with self-extinguishing grade covers. Obviously these days you need to get the hardwood from a sustainable source like B&Q.
Instead of extending the ship by 30 metres you should have extended it by 29.95 metres and spent the other two inches on some decent seats. It's obviously too late for this and if you're strapped for cash I have a suggestion.
Why not have sun-loungers paid for by donation with little brass plaques to commemorate passengers who have gone to that great cruise ship in the sky. Looking at the average age on this ship it will not be long before the loungers are over subscribed. Relatives will book holidays to see the plaques and can be encouraged to leave flowers which would be another commercial opportunity. The loungers are much less likely to be vandalised by meths drinking tramps than commemorative park benches, particularly if you restrict their use to Deck 8.
I hope that you will view this letter, together with my previous one on how to unblock and clean your toilet drainage system, as a genuine attempt to help you to improve your service. Coincidentally, my letter on drainage does suggest future career opportunities for your furniture procurement team.
Yours sincerely
D.A.C.